Victim Blaming

  I have decided I can't be silent anymore. Not about this. It was recently brought to my attention that I shouldn't play the victim. I must have missed that part where I prayed for what I've been going through since last August. It wasn't the first time someone has told me I should hold myself accountable. Maybe Miller ought to take his fair share of the blame as well. Because we hold about the same amount; none.
    I'm just so tired and sad at how we as a society constantly berate people(women mostly) for being a "victim". When did it become acceptable to shame someone for something that happened to them. Yes don't get me wrong there are plenty of divorces that are amicable. But this isn't one of them. I had no idea, no inkling. He left. The end. The only people that seek to shame are the ones who refuse to believe that sometimes people hurt other people. Sometimes there's only one injured party. If a man is left by his wife, no one tells him it was his fault. They call her names, tell him there's so many women he could be with out there. But they never suggest he did something.
      People constantly say it's absurd to act like there's a war on women when women in 3rd world countries are so oppressed. And I agree, there are horrible conditions for women out there. But how do you think the oppression starts? It starts by telling women to not tell what really happened, to just remain silent. If your husband has a problem with you, you must have done something wrong. No good woman has a husband treat her this way for no good reason. Abuse is the wife's fault. That's at least the message being put out there. And people wonder why women find it difficult to get out of abusive relationships.   
    If any of that was true women wouldn't be in danger every day, in dark parking lots, in shopping malls, and even in their own homes. Would you dare ask the beaten wife why her husband beat her? Maybe she should have read his mind that his meatloaf was too cold. The family who lost their home to arson. Maybe they should have known their neighbor was plotting that.
   You cannot call yourself a Christian and shame the victim and uplift the victimizer. I'm all about love the sinner, hate the sin. But where does it say tell the person that is personally hurt by the sin it was their fault. It doesn't.
    Husbands tried to rid themselves of wives that they were displeased with in the 1930s by way of having their wives committed to mental wards. It had become such a overwhelming problem that the first woman in Maine's legislature, Gail Laughlin, passed a bill that penalized husbands for bringing false testimony  in the involuntary commitment of their wives. So it just goes to show that the mistreatment of women has been around for a long time in varying degrees. And sadly it doesn't seem to be leaving us any time soon.
   In the Bible it says "Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way in the beginning"( Matthew 19:8). Notice that Jesus never suggested that the wives were to blame for the hardening of the hearts of the men. I guess today we don't believe that men could leave their wives for the hardening of their hearts. Mankind is no different today than when Jesus was here. Sometimes there isn't another side, there's just the truth.

A Look Back On 2 Years Of Marriage

 

  2 years. 24 months. 104 weeks. 730 days. That's how long Dillon and I have been married. It doesn't feel like it's been that long to me. It seems like just yesterday I was browsing through Pinterest for centerpiece ideas, my biggest concern being how would I find time to decorate the reception.
    Since that day so many unexpected things have happened to both of us. Mostly good, you can probably guess the bad. But even in the bad times our bond hasn't been severed. We've experienced things that no one should have to go through but we've made it to the other side. Don't ask us where this other side is, we're not really sure ourselves. But it's a place where we're together. What we've gone through could drive any couple apart, but by the grace of God and our love we're more bonded than 2 years ago.
    I've heard a lot of women say "I never knew how much I loved your daddy until I saw how much he loved you". Well for me that couldn't be more true. Seeing Dillon hold our first son, knowing there would be no more moments like that one, I fell in love with him all over again. There was no better father James could have in his short time on earth than Dillon.
    2 years ago I didn't know what we were promising to each other. I knew what our vows meant of course, but I didn't know how they would translate for us. I suppose no couple really knows. I now know "denying all those that would come between us" would be the part of our vows to be put to action the most. While it's a shame how often it is remembered, it would be more a shame to forget it, for without each other I don't know where we'd be. You'd be surprised by the people you could do without when you find the only one you can't do without.
    So to my wonderful husband on our 2 year anniversary. I love you more than I did then, and I didn't know I could. I chose you 2 years, I choose you today, and I chose you every day. You are my home, my future, and so much more than you realize. I could, and I will love you forever.

  

Bereaved Parents Month

   Yesterday I was searching out new blogs and I stumbled upon a post was about something very close to my heart. I don't know if any of my readers have heard of Bereaved Parents Month, I know I hadn't. This month, July, is Bereaved Parents Month.

    When your child dies, a part of you dies. I know that sounds bleak, but it's true. A little bit of light is gone from your world and you wonder where that light may be. You see the world much differently then before. Why wouldn't you? The world is different when you become a parent and it doesn't stop being different just because your child is gone.
    This probably sounds very strange to people who haven't experienced the loss of a child, but it helps to hear other people's stories. It makes you feel more human, at least it did for me. Not because you want other people to know this dark pain, no one wants that. But because you see everyone else around you with seemingly fine lives and you wonder why you're not fine. I say seemingly because if you talk to people long enough you'll hear a little heartbreak in everyone's story. My parents have had this kind of heartbreak, so they were the perfect people to talk to, for they really have been through a lot when it comes to something like this. By that I mean they have had 5 children born severely disabled and all 5 have since passed away.
   I was shocked by how many people I had known for years had children pass away. It can be so easy to feel like the marked one. You just have to remember that you're not the first person to feel that way.
    I've also seen a lot of people on different forums online talk about how they didn't know anyone that had a child die. If you're experiencing the loss of your child and needs to hear from someone that's been there the internet has a ton of resources such as the just mentioned forums. I also read a lot of blogs where people told their story, and I found them very healing.
    Also your friends and family that haven't experienced this pain can be wonderful support systems. Sometimes people don't know if you wanna talk about it, so you might have to tell people you need to. I'll always be very grateful to the friends and family that listened to me question and vent. And of course my husband was and is definitely a huge support system for me, I hope to be the same for him. If anyone can know the pain you're going through, it's your child's father or mother.
    Wherever you find support, just find it. Don't feel like you have to keep all the pain to yourself. If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know there are support groups, therapists, pastors, and of course who was there for me even when I doubted, God.

   Here's the link to the post that made me aware of Bereaved Parents Month. Thank you so much Erin for sharing something so important!

   Here's the links to the story of our baby James here, here,  here, & here

  Here's the link to the Bereaved Parents Month website here

Ziti

   You're probably thinking to yourself, "what does ziti have to do with marriage?". I'm not here to say the secret to a solid marriage or relationship is ziti, but it might save a lot of fighting. You see cooking is a skill everyone should have, whether you plan to get married someday or not. You don't have to be the next Iron Chef or Rachel Ray, it's just as good to know the basics and a few go to dishes.
    How many nights have you asked each other about what to have for dinner? How many nights have either of you said "I don't know"? Probably equal times. Then I bet one of you mentions something, and the other one hates that. Perhaps one of you offers another place and the other says no because it's not cheap enough. At least that's how I've heard some couples are about figuring out where to eat.
    You know what can spare that constant back and forth? One or both of you knowing how to cook! Now I know some nights it can be just too hectic for one of you to get a meal prepared. But that's okay, because it doesn't have to be fancy cooking, just edible and delicious! It's important for one of you to have basic cooking skills since take-out from the same 4 places can get old, and expensive. Plus some nights, or for us most nights of the week, you won't feel like going out for dinner either. So while I won't say it can make your marriage complete, it might make things a lot smoother. If you're not much of a cook, or you're always looking for new recipes, here's my recipe for creamy tomato chicken ziti.

Ingredients:
16 oz. box of ziti or penne rigatoni
8 oz. cream cheese
Frozen spinach
1 bag of Mozzarella
1 bag of pre-cooked chicken(you can find it near the lunchmeat in your store)
1 jar of spaghetti sauce(I like mushroom and green pepper)
Salt & pepper

• Boil your pasta as directed on box.
• Put cream cheese and spaghetti sauce in skillet. Make sure you add the cream cheese slowly.
• Put frozen spinach in microwave to defrost. Squeeze the liquid out in a colander.
• Add mozzarella slowly to the sauce.
• Put chicken in the microwave for a minute, cut up smaller.
• Add chicken, spinach, and cooked pasta.
• Salt and pepper to taste. Voila!

Young Love

   As most of y'all already know Dillon and I met pretty young. Not in preschool or anything haha, more like our teens.
     I did some research on the average ages of marriage in America from different decades. As you might have assumed 1950 had the youngest average age, being 20 for women and 24 for men. As of 2010 those numbers are now about 27 for women and 28 for men, the highest ages on the charts(the chart dates from 1890 to 2010). Although it's worth noting that the averages in 1890 were 23 for women and 26 for men.
     I noticed something interesting on the chart. At no point did the men's average age for marriage dip below the women's. In fact there's only one time in which they're about 1 year in difference and that would be 2000. 25 for women and 26 for men. The percentage of women that marry at 18 was also higher than men, 6% and 2% respectively.
    I also looked up the statistics on divorce and I found the common 40% to 50% of first marriages will end in divorce. Lately though there has been a rise of studies disputing that percentage. In actuality the divorce rates have been declining since 1980, leaving them more realistically at 30% to 40%.
   Census.gov has a chart that was done in 2009 with marriage and divorce statistics by age group. With each age group you had a increased number of marriages and a increased number of divorces. The only two age groups where the divorce rate was lower than the age group before it was the 18 to 19 group and the 70 and over group. The marriage rates continued to go up too.    
   I'm curious about how many of those that marry at the average age of marriage today knew each other at the ages we knew each other. Maybe people are waiting longer to get married or perhaps they're just finding who they wanna be with later on.
    Dillon and I got married at almost 20(he turned 21 a few weeks later) and 18. We were younger than my parents when they got married( Dad was 26 and Mom was 22), and older than my mom's parents( Granddaddy was 19 and Nana was 17 1/2). I wonder where the next generation will be as far as marriage is concerned. Will the average continue to climb or will they slowly decrease? Only time shall tell.

     
    

Xs

    If you're reading this you more than likely have at least one relationship prior to your current one. Unless of course you happened to marry your middle school sweetheart.
    Whether you have only 1 ex or closer to 50 exes, you have a relationship past. Now you may not even think of your relationship past at all, or you may still be friends with some of those people you used to date. Odds are though your significant other might have a question or two about your old boyfriends or girlfriends.
     I guess you could say Dillon and I are yet again one of those couples that talk about pretty much everything, including exes. Now since we met each at a young age we really don't have that many people to talk about, but there's still history there. There's still questions and answers. I think the weirdest part is knowing you were both out there somewhere and not together for whatever years have you. Finding out that there were maybe a handful of times you could've met before you actually did.
   For example there was a guy I was friends with and he would mention these two friends of his and I had no idea that Dillon happened to be the other guy that he never named. Or the time that I had planned to go to a friend's prom since he didn't have a date, then we decided not to go together, and Dillon was there the night of the prom with an old girlfriend. Part of me wonders where we would be today if we had met at several of the times we could've. Would we have been together sooner? Or would it have changed everything?
    I hear more and more about couples that don't really discuss past relationships. I don't think you can really know someone well until you know who they used to be. Because everything we've experienced adds up to who we are in the present moment. The way I see it the most important thing your past relationships taught you was what you want from your next.

Wedding Anniversaries

      Coming up this August, August 3rd to be exact, is our 2nd wedding anniversary. I remember last year on our 1st I was pregnant with James so we had a pretty quiet celebration. We went to church that day and had lunch at cracker barrel. There was a nap in there somewhere too haha! I was pretty tired at that point in the pregnancy. It was nice, and just my speed for how I was feeling.
       The start of celebrating wedding anniversaries dates back to the Holy Roman Empire when husbands would crown their wives with silver wreaths on their 25th, and a gold wreath on the 50th. Then in the 20th century commercialism led to more anniversaries being recognized with specific gifts.
     For instance the 1st anniversary traditional gift is paper, while the modern is a clock. It's kind of funny because I got Dillon a watch for our 1st and didn't even know. The 2nd year is cotton for traditional and china for the modern list. I haven't thought about his gift yet but I have some time.
     I noticed that they also have a gift for the 85th anniversary, moonstone for traditional, or the wife's birthstone for the modern gift. I have yet to meet anyone that has celebrated their 85th anniversary. I bet if someone did they would probably be in the paper, or the news!
    They even have a list of flowers for each year. Carnations for the 1st, lily of the valley for the 2nd. There's no flower for the 85th, but yellow rose or violet is for the 50th. 
     So there's a lot of options and ideas for each year. I think it's kind of sweet to stick to the theme for each year, as long as it's still nice and personal. Something that's meaningful to your spouse. That they look at and think "wow, they really know me!".
    Some couples make something special for each other. Now I like crafts but I'm not sure Dillon would appreciate my glitter coasters like I do haha. Who knows though, he could surprise me!
    What was your most memorable wedding or dating anniversary?

  

Vows

   If you've already said "I do" or plan to someday you may have given your wedding vows some thought before. To write your own, or stick to the traditional vows? Maybe you wanna stick to the traditional but word them a little differently.
    There's a few options these days when it comes to wedding vows. But have you taken the time to really understand what those vows mean to you and your partner?  I think it's very important to give that some thought. After all they're not just words but a promise of your life to come. The tone you're setting for the next 50, 60, or 70 years.
    I've noticed where there has been a trend you could say with sort of silly vows. Couples vowing to kill spiders for their spouses, and love them as much as the Chicago Cubs. Some even rhythm their vows. It's funny how just 10 years ago writing your own vows was a trendy thing for weddings. Now we have humorous wedding vows! We weren't really brave enough to do this, plus I think we were both pretty emotional so they probably wouldn't have sounded very funny at the time haha.
   Dillon and I went with the traditional vows but in a special kind of wording. It was traditional and slightly different as well. Just like us.
    Probably the part that speaks to me the most in our wedding vows is where we vowed to cherish each other. It's so important to not take one day for granted with your loved one, you might not get another. If today was your last, wouldn't you wanna know that your spouse knew they were loved and appreciated by you. It's the simplest and most necessary of human needs.
     I also found the part about denying all those that would come between us important. For me it wasn't just about staying faithful to your partner, but not letting people who aren't there for your spouse or you drive a wedge between y'all as well. Protecting each other from people that don't mean them well.
     What part speaks the most to you? What do you plan to or have done with your vows?

    
   
    

Unique

    No two people are the same. You may find two people that either have a lot in common or look alike, but you'll never find an exact copy.
     Our relationships are just as unique. Some couples are more serious, some are more silly, and some are somewhere in between. Each couple handle things differently, see things differently. They may care about little things you wouldn't even think about.
      So then why do we sometimes look at another couple from the outside and think their relationship isn't good, or going the way it should? Well first and foremost I think we're all a little nosy. We tend to read into things that aren't even there. Put our opinions where they don't belong. We think we've found something that they don't even see. Trust me, you haven't. Odds are someone is looking at our relationship the same way while we're busy speculating. Funny isn't it?
      I tend to believe that maybe the reason we're so anxious about couples that have a different relationship from us is become we're worried about our own relationship. We're worried that perhaps we're not the perfect relationship example. That we might have missed something. If we really thought about it we'd know that other people's relationships do not validate or diminish our own. Just because they have a unique aspect to their relationship doesn't make your relationship any less unique or filled with love.
      Sometimes people get too caught up in someone else's relationship. You know what you could be doing instead? Focusing on your own! Taking the time to bond with your partner. Nurturing your relationship. Find out what's unique about the two of you together.
      Have you ever had a time when you questioned the way another couple handled something in their relationship? Or perhaps someone did that to you?

    

Technology

    You probably use technology quite a bit in your day to day life. Maybe your cellphone, laptop, or microwave even. Although I'm sure you might not have taken the time to think about technology's affect on your love life.
     It's becoming more and more common to ask someone out on a date via text message. How many times have you scoped out a potential love interest on Facebook? Probably more times than you care to admit. Technology has become so much a part of our lives, why we wouldn't we expect it to affect how we date and keep relationships.
    Most people you ask would say that technology has hurt budding romances as well as already established relationships. I beg to differ. For instance living in the year 2015 you most likely know at least one couple that has met online. Whether it be through an online dating website, or even Facebook. It's becoming more and more commonplace. Isn't it funny that if those two people were living fifty years ago they might not have even met.
    As far as Facebook goes many people think it can be an issue when people check out someone they're going on a date with beforehand. Honestly Dillon and I were both guilty of that, and I think it's part of the reason we were able to connect so well. Of course neither of us told the other we had haha. The only problem would be for the people that snoop and find things they wouldn't want in a partner. But wouldn't you rather find out those things before you got in too deep?
    Another way I think technology has been helpful in our modern relationships, is texting for instance. It provides an easy and nonintrusive way to keep in touch with your partner while you're away. You probably wouldn't be able to call your partner while either of you are at work but you might be able to text them on break.
     What are you feelings about technology and their place in our relationships today?

    

Scriptures For Your Marriage

   Hey y'all! Today I thought I'd share a few Bible scriptures that may apply to or be helpful in your marriage today. For me The Bible can be a great source of encouragement, strength, and hope. So here are some of my favorite verses on marriage and love.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." ~ Ecclesiastes 4:12

"Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate." ~ Mark 10:9

"Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace." ~ Ephesians 4:2-3

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:7-8

 

"Therefore a man should leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." ~ Genesis 2:24

 

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25

 

"Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone: I will make him a helper fit for him." ~ Genesis 2:18

 

"That their hearts might be comforted, being knit together in love, and unto all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the acknowledgement of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ." ~ Colossians 2:2

 

 

P.S. This picture is from our first Sunday back to church after our honeymoon!

Romance

    When you think about romance you may think of candlelit dinners or moonlight strolls on the beach. Romance means different things to different people. But did you know in most studies men are known to want or enjoy romance more?
    You've probably grown to just assume that women are the more romantic sex but that's not always true. In fact there is not one study that has proven that women are more romantic than men. One study said that 33% more men than women said it bothers them a lot that their significant other isn't more romantic. Which has most likely made every woman who's husband forgot Valentine's day or their anniversary laugh their heads off.
    You may look at men as a whole as being less emotional or apathetic when it comes to things such as romance and the belief in true love. So the knowledge that more men than women want romance in a relationship could be perplexing to you. Where did the disconnect start? Are men lying on these surveys or are men the ones being wrongly portrayed in most movies and books. Therefore ingraining the stereotype in us. If men actually are more romantic is it because women have been complaining for decades if not centuries about the lack of romance in men. Are they trying to change the expected pattern? Maybe.
      One study found that 48% of men believe in love at first sight, whereas only 28% of women do. That could be a result of men being the more visiual sex. While women are more about personality rather than exterior. Not to say that men don't care about personalities.
    I also read that about 33% of both men and women have actually ended a relationship after watching a movie or TV show. I found this pretty shocking, more shocking than the statistics saying men are more romantic. I have to believe that the couples that broke up after watching certain movies and shows was because it was mirroring a problem they already had. It probably didn't cause a new problem to arise in the relationship. If so Nicholas Sparks would be getting sued every other week.
    So there you have it. Men are just as, if not more, romantic than women, and watching a romantic movie could ruin your relationship. Well if you're already having problems!

Questions

   We're a curious species, always wanting to know more. At least most of us are that way. We usually want to know more about things around us, the people close to us. Who are we closer to than our partners?
    It amazes me the couples that would rather the questions stay unasked. That would rather not know the details of their partner's life before them, or even their feelings on certain things. Dillon and I are more of a no holds barred kind of couple. Some nights we won't even do anything but ask each other questions about the other person. Or ask about certain situations and how they think they would react. No question is left unanswered or unasked with us.
   Most couples that don't wanna know everything are worried that the answer is the worst case scenario in their mind I suppose. But if the answer truly changes how you feel about them maybe you should've asked it long ago, or perhaps the answer doesn't really matter as much as you think.
   Some couples take the approach of everything is on the table for questioning, but this. It could be money for some. In fact recently I've heard of a lot of couples keeping their money separately and not asking each other at all what's being done with their money.
    I personally think the reason Dillon and I are so comfortable with knowing everything about each other is probably because we're over sharers. We want to be able to confide things to someone close to us. We're not the kind of people that can hold things in.
    Now you may find yourself with someone with wants to share everything and you don't, or vice versa. What do you then? I think both of you would have to compromise a little. One person try to share more, the other person try to share less. Hopefully you'll be able to find a middle ground.
     Dillon and I are lucky to have a similar view on this. What do you and your partner do about all the little personal questions? Are you over sharers like us?

P.S. Partners in crime since day one!

The Park

   Back in 2012 Dillon and I went on our first date. Now depending on who you ask our first date was either at church or the park. I say church, and he says park.
    So on our 2nd or 1st date, depending on how you look at it haha, we went to Maymont park. He actually wouldn't tell me where we were going, but eventually I figured it out. It was probably the hottest day of the summer. It was horrible. We finally found a bench to sit and talk for a while. He had packed a picnic but unfortunately neither of us could stand the heat. So we left and headed towards to The Virginia Historical Society. Then we headed to Carytown for a slice of pizza at Mary Angela's. After lunch we headed towards Short Pump and went in a bunch of stores.
    But the most memorable part of the day was going to Maymont, in spite of or maybe because of the heat haha. No really it was because we just sat and talked about, well everything. I remember he even started talking about getting married one day and having kids. Him, not me haha. He was talking in the abstract of course, no marriage proposals that day. I was really surprised by how honest and talkative he was.
   What was your first date with your significant other?

Opinions

  Opinions, everyone has one. Often people have an opinion about everything under the sun, big or small. Some may voice them loud and proud, while others may be more reserved about their opinion. Either way the opinions still exist.
    Someone you've probably shared quite a few of your opinions with is your significant other. In fact you and your spouse may find yourselves at two totally different ends of the spectrum as far as your opinions go. Don't freak out though, it's perfectly normal. No two people are exactly a like. More often than not you will disagree on probably one thing, even if you both have similar values.
   Sometimes the only thing you can do when you find a particular issue dividing is agree to disagree. I'm sure you have many friends that think at least slightly different than you. Remember that when you find out something that you and your partner disagree about. Sometimes it can be a time for the both of you to consider a viewpoint you normally wouldn't.
       It's also good to keep in mind that sometimes people do change their point of view on certain things. It doesn't happen too often but it does happen. It may happen due to a life changing experience or perhaps something a third party said that gives them a different perspective than before. As human beings we're constantly changing, and sometimes our opinions do as well.
      We might have opinions due to our upbringing or in rebellion to our upbringing. Now you may keep most of those opinions for the rest of your life, but I think most people will find their true opinions later. They might be further away from where you started, or they could be only slightly different than you thought before. Everything shapes your opinions.
    That doesn't mean you should be constantly waiting and expecting the other person to feel differently one day. That's something that can't really be determined. You can't calculate your chances of the other person changing their opinion. If they do or don't often times has nothing to with you at all. So don't let that control how you feel about your relationship.
    At the end of the day opinions are just that, opinions. Don't take them too seriously that you end up hurting your significant other. Because the world isn't going to end because he likes fried chicken and you don't.

P.S. In this picture we were having a disagreement on what color to paint the walls. I don't remember who won, but it's now like bright pinky orange.

Nurture

    Nurturing may be something that you think only has to do with children, but everyone needs to be nurtured I believe. We are all living, breathing, and yes still growing creatures.
     When it comes to Dillon and me I find that it's a constant balance between being his friend, confidant, and wife, but also his nurturer. Someone that reminds him of how special he is, who comforts him, and even babies him when needed the way a mother would. I'm sure most of you are probably thinking of that quote about your husband being your first and oldest child, that's not what I'm getting at.It's More caring about him, loving him unconditionally, and seeing the best in him the way mothers always do. We all need someone to care about us in such a way.
    It's also important for us to nurture us as a couple. To do things just the two of us. Going places neither of us have been, and making memories we won't forget. Sharing things with each other, experiences, hopes, things you wouldn't tell anyone else, and most of all our love. Oh and food, food is for sharing.
   In the midst of nurturing our spouses and our relationship with them we must also remember to nurture our friendships. Life can become so hectic and busy that before long you think to yourself, "when was the last time I saw so and so?". I'm sure a lot of you reading this might be thinking of a friend or two. I hope to be better at being involved with my friends.
   Recently in our Sunday school class we started nurturing plants from seed. Each week Dillon and I  would take them home with us. For some reason they ended up kinda dying and getting mold on them...opps! So that just goes to show how when we don't get what we need we often stop thriving. By the way I have yet to tell the kids, so no telling!
    Nurturing is part of life like love and laughter. It's essential, or at least it makes life better.

  
     
   

Marriage

   Marriage. Now that's a loaded word. It means so many things to different people. A lifetime together for some people, or a confining institution for others. Below is what marriage means to me.

- Being honest with each other, but only about the things that really matter.

- Being loyal to each other, even when it means not being loyal to someone we're close to.

- Being concerned for each other, and letting them know we're always going to be concerned about them.

- Having their back even in the hardest of times. Especially in the hard times.

- Agreeing to go for ice cream even though it's a little late just because you know it makes her happy.

- Praying for each other.

- Watching your least favorite movie in the world just because you know it makes him happy.

- Being able to read their face with other people and knowing what they're probably thinking.

- It's accepting the little things because you love the biggest and greatest parts of their personality.

- Drinking coffee in the early morning light, and not really saying a word because it's just too early for that.

- Me realizing I forgot to tell him I wanted a Sprite from Arby's and he remembers to get me one anyways.

   Marriage, at least for us, is all these things and so much more. It's all the good in the moment, and the promise of what's to come for us. What does marriage mean to you?

Last Names

   Last names. There's the generic ones, the hard to pronounce ones, and the highly unusual ones. No matter the kind everyone has one. Once you get married you may be contemplating your last name.
   The more traditional route is for women to take their husband's last name. In fact only about 8 percent of women will keep their last name, while in the 1990s it was closer to 23 percent. I'm honestly a little surprised by that statistic. I personally chose to take Dillon's last name. Even though I haven't legally changed it yet, don't judge.
    Some women choose to forgo their maiden name and keep their middle name. I made my maiden name my middle per say. So I went from going by Robyn Ivy Proctor, to Robyn Proctor Hinkle. I kinda wanted to use all 4 names but you can't really do that legally unless you hyphenate. I do use all 4 names on my Facebook though!
    Like I just mentioned above some women chose to hyphenate. I think it's a nice option for some, but I personally think it would sound too clunky with the 2 last names I would have.
    As afore stated 8 percent of women do keep their name as it was before the knot was tied. I contemplated this option myself. It's a good option for women that already have their name out there professionally, or just simply feel more themselves this way.
  What about men? We've been talking about women changing their name, but what about the guys? As of 2013 only 9 states treated a man's name change after marriage the same as a woman's. I was shocked, I had no idea. Other states require additional paperwork, months to process the request, and a huge filing fee. Could that be part of the reason most men don't change their last name? Or is it because of tradition? Fear of being seen as less manly? Who knows!
   There's also the very new option of couples making a hybrid of their names. So if your last name is Gold and his is Smith, y'all's new last name would be Goldsmith. I think it's a really sweet idea. It's like saying this is us, and this is our new family.
   Some of the reasons I chose to take Dillon's last name was because I saw it as a symbol of our bond. He's my family, and I'm his family. Plus my maiden itinals are unfortunate. I'll let y'all figure that out for yourself.
   What did you choose to do with your name? If you're not married what do you think you might do one day?

Kissing

   It might be something that you do without really thinking, or a cherished ritual. Either way kissing is important to a relationship. After all basic human attraction is one of the ways we know we want to be with someone. They don't have to be Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, it's not really about physical characteristics but something more. A spark that you can't truly explain.
    Sometimes we may get in a rut and neglect something so simple as human touch, but it really isn't something to be neglected. All human beings need the human touch, whether it be a passionate kiss or just a hug, it matters. It warms the soul as much as it warms the body. It's healing and comforting. It's a simple way that we tell our spouse that we still love them.
   I did a little research the other day about kissing online(I know that sounds very weird) and I came across an article that said kissing can indicate for women whether they're going to go forward with a relationship. While that wasn't a variable in the decision making for a man. I found that kinda interesting. It also said that oxytocin and other brain chemicals are released in the brains of both men and women during kissing, which is responsible for making us feel bonded with our partners. The research also indicated that women tend to be more sensitive to this chemical therefore they enjoy kissing more. So there's your party opener haha!
   Basically kissing really does keep us feeling connected to our partners. So maybe you've both been a little distance lately, work is stressful, the kids have been bouncing off the wall, that certain person has really been pushing your buttons. Take a breath, sit down and kiss your man or woman. You're welcome!
   

Joint Effort

  Make no mistake about it. No relationship can stand if both parties aren't putting in the effort. It's all about showing up. Being there for each other, especially when no one else is there.
  When you make a commitment to someone you're saying that you're going to make the effort. You're not only saying you choose them, but that you choose them each and every day for the rest of your life. You make the choice to be all in.
   That's not to say that you should ignore when your partner isn't putting forth any effort in the relationship. For starters they may not even know they're not. I'll wait until you're done laughing. But seriously some people may think that this is the way they put effort into their relationship, while you may be thinking they're just oblivious. It's important that you tell them you need more from them. People are not mind readers. Communication is everything. Without it things start to fall apart. Feelings are hurt.
   If you're the person that the other person thinks isn't putting in the effort you should ask them what they need or want. If you start tuning in and paying attention you may notice they're frustrated. Pay attention to when they feel frustrated, did you say something or were you silent? Two big reasons people get frustrated with their spouses is 1) the other spouse says something offensive or rude, or 2) the other spouse didn't say anything at all leaving the other spouse to feel neglected or unheard.
   I'm not here to say that this solves all the issues in some marriages, but being jointly invested in your marriage or relationship can only be a good thing. It makes you more considerate of the other person and vice versa. One person can't be the only person showing up.