A harmless, simple question you could say. Polite conversation. Small talk. But to the grieving mother "is this your only child?" can bring up so many other questions and feelings.
I often find when I'm in a store or at the doctor's with Miller there's a sweet lady cooing at him. Honestly I'm always very grateful when people make over him. Since he's had everything so different I feel so blessed to have people not see him as different than any other baby. They only see his ocean blue eyes, and jolly cheeks.
They will usually ask how old he is. Then the next question will be, "is this your only child?". And the lump slowly forms in my throat.
They never mean it as anything intrusive, and it's the most normal question in the world. Why I often ask the same question of people if they mention their children. But I can't help but not know how to answer. Most of the time I reply "no he's my second child" and go on strolling with a smile. Pretending for just a moment that my son is alive and well, a 16 month old little boy who loves his baby brother and little toy cars. Because it's easier to let the well meaning stranger believe.
If the situation is a little more intimate, basically not in the frozen food section of Wal-Mart, I'll elaborate by saying "no my first son was stillborn". I know how uncomfortable it must make people feel. No one knows what to say. I don't even know what to say.
Plenty of bereaved mothers are asked this question frequently and I wonder how they answer. Does there ever come a point in time where they simply answer "yes" with the explanation omitted from the conversation. Do I want that point to ever come? A day when James is no longer current events. For some it's too painful to be reminded of their child, and I understand that, I do. But for me it's too painful to not mention him. To deny that he was my son, and I was his mother. To behave as though I'm just a mom of 1, and not 2. At least that's how I feel now.
I sometimes feel as though I don't know where I belong in the whole mom category so to speak. It can be difficult to identify when you're a mom of 2 but yet being a mom is all new to you as well. Even getting Miller's birth certificate was something new for me, as James never had one, something that never made sense to me. As if it isn't painful enough already, even the government only recognizes me as a mother of 1.
Last year was my first Mother's day, which felt horribly ironic given I was a grieving mother desperately hoping everything would be okay with my soon to be born child. It didn't resemble anything Hallmark had done a commercial on. How strange to be a mother before you've even felt the joys of motherhood. Well this Mother's day when someone asks "is this your only child?" I shall reply with "no, my first son was stillborn, but both of my sons are in my heart". This Mother's day please remember the mothers whose children may only be in their hearts.
Linking up with Natalie and Annie
I hope that time makes things even a little bit easier for you. It's such a hard thing to deal with. I had two miscarriages and that was hard, I can't even imagine how you feel. I now have my perfect little buddy and I think we're stopping, it's such a hard journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I don't have the same pain as when it first happened.I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you have your little buddy though. Thanks for reading Jamie!
DeleteMother's Day is a hard day for so many people (and I'm sure equally so Father's Day for men). I prayed about Mother's Day yesterday; for those that had lost their moms and this would be the first year without them to celebrate Mother's Day; those who wanted to be moms but couldn't because of infertility; but I didn't think of praying for those that were grieving their children; will definitely have to pray about that this morning.
ReplyDeleteI think your answer is a good one. It is natural for us to be curious and ask questions like that with children; maybe this would be a good reminder for us to perhaps just go about cooing with the baby and enjoy that, realizing perhaps further questions could cause sadness on the part of the person being asked the questions.
Happy Mother's Day Robyn!!
betty
You have such a sweet heart to think to pray for those who find Mother's Day a difficult time. Thanks for reading. Happy Mother's Day to you as well Betty!
DeletePrayers for your strength this mother's day! I cannot imagine what you are going through, and I know you have probably heard that time and time again, but you are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteYour concern means, no matter how many times I hear it. Thanks for reading Kayla!
DeleteYou are one strong mama with a huge heart! Hang in there and Happy MOther's Day!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sarita, happy Mother's Day to you as well!
DeleteMy heart hurts so desperately for you and your loss. I am not going to sit here and pretend that I know what you are going through. Thankfully I don't know what you are going through. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. There has been a couple of times where I have asked if that was their only child and I could tell INSTANTLY that I shouldn't have asked. They then inform me of their loss. Such a simple question that most moms don't even think about. I am sorry for your lost. Happy Mothers Day to a mom of 2 amazing beautiful boys!
ReplyDeleteI would never want anyone to go though this, I'm so glad you haven't. Thanks for reading!
DeleteJames is and will always be a part of your family. Let people know and they can deal how they like.
ReplyDeleteYes he is, thanks Candace!
DeleteBig hugs to you this weekend on Mother's Day! I'll be thinking about you and many other mothers who are grieving this type of loss. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you Lecy, I appreciate it <3
DeleteI just lost a baby in October, and it still hurts to hear people comment that it's about time to have another baby. I am thankfully pregnant again, but it doesn't take the sting away!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm happy to hear you're expecting. Thanks for reading Shannon!
DeleteThat is such a hard question to answer but I think you handle it well, you can decide when to elaborate when you feel like it. I'm sure he'll always feel like part of your family. It must have been such a tough time for you, I had three miscarriages after having my daughter and it was really hard to come to terms with so I can't even imagine how you must feel.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for reading Alison!
DeleteI know exactly how you feel about feeling like you are denying your other son if you don't mention him. I've had two miscarriages, one very early on and another at 14 weeks along last month actually. So, I don't know exactly what to say either. Your plan for this Mother's Day sounds perfect!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you went that, you're in my thoughts. Thanks for reading Elizabeth!
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